Torch of Triumph

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Face of Triumph’]

The ‘Torch of Triumph' was a key move demonstrated on BBC Spotlight Live. 

Start off crouching on the dancefloor, like Gollum squatting on a rock & chomping on a raw fish. Then, slowly rise up from the squat position, with one arm straight up in the air, as if you’re holding a flaming Olympic torch aloft, like the Statue of Liberty.

Once you’re standing tall and holding your theoretical torch as high as you can muster, bellow out your loudest Lion roar, with the zest of victory!

Repeat accordingly.

Origins

“By the halls of Vahalla, tiz has been a great year for mindless, bloody slaughter!” proclaimed Konáll The Unbearable. The year in question was 869 A.D. and the man in question was the insane Viking leader of the ferocious Skaldaklak clan of berserkers.

‘Crush, Destroy & Bellow’ Campaign of Carnage

Konáll’s thirst for battle and craving for extreme gore was considered by competent historians as being ‘completely out of control’, and his 70 years of monumentally destructive North Atlantic invasions (predominantly Scotland) was carved into the ‘Sacred Book of Krall’*.

Konáll’s ‘Wonder Years’

Focusing on a small era of particular carnage, significant savage bloodshed commenced from 865 A.D. However, during the summer of 869, Konáll began to favour his trusty, rusty, skull-encrusted (four metre) battlexe, named ‘Jemima’.

Jemima

Accordingly to the ‘Sacred Book of Krall’*, he ‘treated Jemina to a lavish Walnut handle (with Peachtree trim), which greatly improved his swinging, slicing & hacking action…He also started wresting goats [Scandinavia’s national sport], to strengthen his dwarf-like arms.’

With Jemima in hand, and brimming with new-found overconfidence, Konáll The Unbearable spent that ‘Summer of 69’ stomping around ramsacked Scottish villages, and recklessly showing off his ultimate fighting manoeuvre, ‘The Spinning Valkyrie’ (the forefather of ‘Olympic Hammer Throwing’). By pivoting on his stubby, sandal-less left foot, Konáll would continually spin around, slicing through opponents like a barbaric blender, until the battlefields fell deadly silent (literally).

European historians comment that during this dark period, ‘the slaughterism inflicted by Konáll was truly eyewatering and his decapitation rate is still one of the highest on record.” Also, due to an unfortunate map-reading misunderstanding, Konáll & his Skaldaklak Clan managed to pillage & burn down his own Viking home village (Oslo). Twice. 

Torch of Triumph

After a good ole conquering & pillaging campaign, Konáll and his berserkers would always celebrate with their now infamous act of celebration, the ‘Torch of Triumph’. Once all the surviving Scottish male, female & child inhabitants had fled from the barbaric berserk, the victorious Viking victors would crouch down on the ground, each holding a flaming torch.

They would then slowly rise up from a squat position, with one arm straight up in the air, and set light to all the empty straw dwellings, whilst roaring & bellowing “Fackla Triumf” aloud (‘Torch of Triumph’ in Swedish). This act of honour was to gratify the great Odin, Valkyries and Norse gods, as they feasted in the majestic ‘Hall of the Slain’ (Valhalla) in Asgard.

Declining Kilt Sales

Not everyone was a fan of Konáll The Unbearable’s killing sprees or celebratory ‘Torch of Triumph’, especially the Scots. In 876 A.D., Mack McMickneemack ranted that Konáll’s Scottish campaign of terror had left his kilt business in absolute tatters. According to Mack, his “highland mud shop is stacked sky-high with 1.2 million adult male kilts, which I will never ever sell, as there‘s now only four adult males left in Scotland, including me…and I shalln’t be buying a kilt, as they’re well itchy likesay.”   

* Blimey, asterisks truly are effective enticing allurers!