Instructions
Noun [Latin: ‘Et Aversandi Forklift’]
Pretend that you’re
sitting tall on an industrial forklift truck, with your left hand grasping the
‘Spinner Knob’ on the steering wheel:
Slip your right
thumb into your trouser back pocket, and twist your head around, so that you’re
looking behind you.
Then, slowly spin your
whole body around on the spot, whilst rotating the steering wheel Spinner Knob
with your left hand.
After a couple of
full reversing rotations, throw your right thumb up into the air, whack out a
big beaming smile then mime ‘Owight Mate!’…
Origins
Dave Smith was a happy chappie, loving husband and
dedicated father to his three youngsters, Dave, Dave & Davina.
He tirelessly worked for over thirty years, as a
multi-award-winning forklift truck driver for a well-known retail distribution
centre, near Newcastle Upon Tyne. His acclaims of outstanding achievement included
‘Warehouse Employee of the Month’
(213 times), ‘Annual Productivity Award’
(for seven years running) and the enviable ‘Corporate
Personality of the Year’ (twice).
All of Dave’s work colleagues respected him dearly,
mainly due to his epic driving skills, deep-bellied laughter and general zest
for life!
Some folk even thought that Dave was destined to
become Managing Director, and although he had countless offers of promotion for
superior managerial positions, Dave continued his beloved role as 'Senior Forklift Operative (Area 4)'.
Managing people, falsifying financials and deviously
playing around with devilish corporate politics were of absolutely no interest
to Dave. All he ever wanted to do was to drive his powered industrial truck
around a package-packed warehouse, lifting, storing and retrieving palletised cargos
of e-commerce merchandise, with clinical precision.
A few fellow workers would even take annual leave
during Dave’s shifts, just to watch him speed around shelving, whip around racking
and reversing around restrooms, like a tabard-covered rodeo-rider throwing his
buckaroo bronco around an entangled forest, with meticulous exactness!
Global fame ensued forthwith accordingly, as Dave
became immortalised forever in the Glennis Book of Records for the ‘Longest Forklift Truck Wheelie’
(17.283m), ‘Longest Free-Flowing Forklift
Reverse Spin’ (17.283 hours) and ‘Most
62" LED TVs per Forklift Truckload’ (17.283 TVs).
Things couldn’t have gone much better for a beaming
Dave Smith…until the following year (2003), when things went dramatically downhill.
Beaming Dave was beaming no more.
Unfortunately, the well-known retail distribution
corporation was taken over by a larger more-well-known American retail
distribution corporation, to the anguish of all staff. Within three weeks of
the acquisition, an inhumanly ruthless ‘efficiency savings’ drive desecrated
Dave’s sacred warehouse of all manual workers, manual lifting equipment and
restrooms, to make way for a fully operational, fully automated warehouse,
fully filled with funless artificially-intelligenced robot stackers &
packers, movers & shakers.
Almost overnight, after thirty tireless years, Dave’s
skilful skills became superfluous and his trusty forklift became redundant.
Woe. Full.
However, after three struggling years of tireless
& mirthless job seeking misery, Dave Smith once again became a happy
chappie, by becoming a local fairground ‘Dodgem
Car Attendant’…and folks from miles around came to see him nail reverse
spins!
Good on ya Dave Smith, this dance is dedicated to
you fella!
