Rusty Robot

Instructions Noun [Latin: ‘Ferrugineae Robot’]

With ‘Robot’ bodypopping techniques, dancers move their limbs in a way that imitates the mechanical movements of an efficient robot.

However, with ‘Rusty Robot’ bodypopping techniques, dad dancers move their decrepit fatherly limbs in a way that imitates the misfiring mechanical movements of a corroded, debilitated, inefficient, ceased-up ‘Tin Man’ robot, plagued with abrupt malfunctioning jolty stops.

Origins

Back is the summer bliss of 1974, the illusionary ‘Robot’ bodypoppin’ streetdancin’ craze exploded into a mechanised frenzy in rural France, triggered by Michael Jackson’s famous ‘Dancing Machine’ performance.

Monsieur Pascal Boulangerie was completely unware of this global ‘Dancing Machine’ phenomena, primarily due to his l’detestatiôn (hatred) of televisions, music, dancing or machines (apart from his cherished burgundy Citroën 2CV, with mustard trim…and sunroof).

However, his four-year-old son, Bàçon (pronounced ‘Bacon’) was right onto it, big time (grand temps)!

Yes indeedy (Qui Qui), this little French fella was totally obsessed with watching robot imitating performances on TV, to the beat of scintillating Electrofunk beeps, boops and other electro-mechanical sounds.

Whilst Papa Pascal slaved away in his commercial kitchen, rolling and curling raw croissants, ready for the townsfolk, young Bàçon would cover himself in aluminium foil and bodypop until the cows came home…or until Papa finished rolling and curling raw croissants, ready for the townsfolk (whichever came first).

Pascal never understood the farfelu (crazy) metalised actions of his toddler boy, but he unconditionally adored (adored) his son, and with Bàçon’s fifth birthday just around the corner, Pascal vowed to give Bàçon any present he wanted, as an eternal loving gift, Père à Fils (Father to Son).

Pascal – “Ce que vous voulez pour votre fils cinquième anniversaire?” (What would you like for your fifth birthday son?)

Bàçon – “Machine à Danser Papa!” (a ‘Dancing Machine’ Dad!)

Pascal – “Zut Alors!” (D’oh!)

The bar was très high, the challenge was set, the task was tremendous. Pascal was scared. Well peureux!

With no prior skills, experience nor knowledge of mechanical engineering, applied mathématiques or advanced électroniques. Pascal had a learning curve steeper than the Eiffel Tower on stilts. Très Mauvais. Calamité.

Notwithstanding, Pascal got stuck in, and after three solid weeks of evening research & building, Papa proudly presented his embryotic automated creation to his garçon, at his fifth birthday party.

Bàçon initially appeared puzzled by the pettiness (smallness) of the newspaper-wrapped parcelet.

Once unwrapped, the Birthday Boy could not hide his disappointment, as he stared at the light bulb with a tangled mess of wires hanging out of it.  

Papa desperately tried to reassure Bàçon, in front of his thirty-two schoolmates, that it was a highly advanced, intelligent ‘Dancing Machine’ eyeball, but Bàçon’s disappointment remained true.

Nonetheless, Pascal was so determined to build the best dancing robot in the whole wide World, he spent the following twenty-seven years producing a cavorting cyborg, with painstaking precision.

The ‘Rusty Robot’ could rock, rhumba, boogie and jive with the best of ‘em, notwithstanding the sudden & sporadic jerky piston movements, sticking & jamming to the beat of da drums!

Bàçon, now 32 with a wife and two sons (Jambon & Bougre), was so impressed with the Rusty Robot, that he sold it to a Saudi Arabian nightclub owner for US$4million and a gold-plated Citroën 2CV, with mustard trim…and sunroof.

Pascal undoubtedly earnt that gold car, and he never had to roll or curl another raw croissant (or build another robot) ever again. Jours heureux!

The Confused Swan

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Confusa Swan’]

There’s a lot going on in this manoeuvre, involving many emotions, like a complex feathered opera. A key tactic is to confuse your competition, so there’s nothing better than to lie down on the dance floor, like a large flustered aquatic bird.

Lie down on your back and bend your preferred leg, so that your knee is raised high and foot firmly on the floor. Rest your other foot onto the raised knee, and flap that leg like a hefty waterfowl wing. Meanwhile, flap your opposite arm like the secondary wing, and whirl your other arm around in the air, like a swivelling swan neck & head.

The most important final point is to contort your face into your most bewildered expression, ever.

Origins

In 1666, the number one, head-honcho, big-cheese, pompous alpha-male daddy swan that ‘ruled the roost’ around St James’s Park, London was ‘Swinton’ Swan (a name affectionately given to him by the local Westminster drunkards).

On most days, after gorging on crisp pond weed, a swollen Swinton Swan would slowly swim around several sluices, like an overinflated armband spinning whimsically around the turmoiled turbulence.

Afternoons would include waddling onto Duck Island, lying on his back and staring at the sky, surrounded by his loving lady swan (Gertrude) and flock of excitable cygnets.

Swinton loved watching the sky, on his back, with his great feathered airfoils resting behind his head.

But one lunchtime, he was confused. The sky was blood red?!...and it was far too early for Sunset?!

‘How confusing?’ thought Swinton.

Mild confusion turned into breezy befuddlement, when grey fluffy fingers appeared to streak through the scarlet heavens?!

Breezy befuddlement turned into perturbed puzzlement, when all birds (apart from his family) seemed to be flying West, at speed?!

Perturbed puzzlement turned into treacherous terror, when advancing screams of panicking humans filled the air!?!

‘Tis time to go…somewhere else’ thought Swinton. ‘How confusing?!’

The surreal, perplexing incident that Swinton witnessed became known as ‘The Great Fire of London’, a tragic event that confused a lot of wildlife, including humans.

‘The Confused Swan’ was the award-winning move at the World Dad Dancing Championship 2015, as shown on BBC World News.

Moody Woody

Instructions Adverb [Latin: ‘Kessinger Woody’]

With wild arms a flailing and mad legs a wailing, scrumple your face with an almighty Guern, and dance around like a lunatic, shouting “I’m Moody Woody!” Repeatedly.

Origins

In early Roman Britain (272 AD), Paulinus Pomonius (‘Paulipom’) was the stressed out Royal Auxiliary Archiver of the Imperial Roman Army, stationed in Winchester.

Paulipom was solely accountable for categorising, storing and safely transporting urns of cremated Royal Roman War Heros from Britain to Rome, back to their powerful families, under pain of death.

However, with over thirteen children, chronic hayfever and ailing eyesight, Paulipom struggled to concentrate on the enormity of his regal remembrance responsibilities, on a daily basis. However, this struggle would struggle to struggle against one Tuesday lunchtime struggles, which was struggling to say the least.

After mediating a particularly taxing, overcomplicated & gruelling midnight peacekeeping negotiation between three rivalling, overcomplicated & gruelling siblings, Paulipom was properly pooped!

The following morning, he trudged deliriously to work, tramping over his toga & turbulently trying to stay awake. Unfortunately, that particular Tuesday was particularly pollenful, and Paulipom’s tickled nostrils needed to let out some steam.

In fact, the power of Paulipom’s power sneezes knocked over and smashed an urn containing the remains of General Maximus Millimus Maximillian Millimaximus (whose family owned ‘The Colosseum’). Before he had time to reflect, a subsequent rapid firing of nasal-based air projections also toppled a series of shelved urns, like devious dominos, with dramatic effect.

A grey-faced Paulipom stared incredulously at the total destruction of the Imperial Roman Army Urn Store.

Then he reacted.

The forthcoming ferociousness of Paulipom’s ferocity fell into a frenzied frenzy. With wild arms a flailing and mad legs a wailing, he scrumpled up his face with an almighty Guern and danced away into the stinging midday sun, screaming “I’m Moody Woody!” Repeatedly.

The ‘Moody Woody’ briefly appeared in the ‘World Dad Dancing Championships 2016’ results coverage on BBC Spotlight.