El Guitaro

Instructions Noun [Latin: ‘Et Guitaro’]

‘El Guitaro’ is the daddy interpretation of the universally popular ‘Air Guitar’, which is essentially an elaborate and embarrassing imaginary performance of an imaginary rock, heavy-metal or acoustic guitar hero, depending on your favourite music genre, personal style & preference. 

Just throw yourself into an exaggerated impersonation of your treasured guitar-pluckin’ idol, with lashings of lip-synch, sizable shows of solos and mucho riffs of twinkly twangs. Nail it Daddy-O!

Origins

Massive moustachioed José Urbano Angel Nacho (‘JUAN’) was a bad man. A very, very bad man.

In fact, if you could pick a number between 1 and 10, with 1 being ‘Very Good’ and 10 being ‘Very Bad’, then JUAN would have stolen all the numbers before you had a chance to pick one, thrown them all onto a campfire, then rode his horse around the naked flames, cackling like a deranged madman and firing bullets into the sky… just for merry malevolent & malicious mirth!

During the late 19^th Century, evil-eyed JUAN led a hardened bunch of Mexican ‘Pistoleros’ banditos for a decade and a day, creating maniacal mayhem for residents trying to live in peace within the rugged western Mexican province of Sinaloa. All regional inhabitants should’ve been truly sick of JUAN and his Pistoleros bursting into their pioneer pueblos uninvited, and running amuck for days at a time…however, they weren’t.

In fact, they all openly looooooved JUAN visiting them! Hardened men, women, children & Xoloitzcuintlis (Mexican hairless dogs) became obsessed with JUAN and his extraordinary, well-polished addictive talent.

Si Si, bad boy JUAN could play a meeeeeeeeeean Mariachi (popular Mexican music genre).

When Juan came to town, everyone descended into the local Tequila Bar, to spend an evening being hypnotised by the entrancing, fantastical sounds emanating from his Guitarrón Mexicano (large Mexican guitar). JUAN’s hypnotic playing of his enormous, deep-bodied, six-string acoustic bass became legendary, granting him the affectionate nickname of ‘El Guitaro’ (‘The Guitar’ in Mexican).

Like Robin Hood before him, El Guitaro is still considered as a folk legend by folk today, due to the sinister anti-establishmentarian outcomes of his euphoric and playfully pervasive performances.

 

Yer see, the real reason for El Guitaro’s badness twaz his sneaky ability to steal belongings from every member of his audiences, quite literally under their noses.

Whilst hypnotising crowded cantinas and stuffed saloons with his powerful, twiddly crescendos and outrageously dramatic arm swinging chord-plucks, El Guitaro’s band of banditos would prowl around the packed rooms, taking wads from wallets, pearls from purses, opulent necklaces from opulent necks and posh pocket-watches from posh pockets.

Once the Pistoleros had cleared up and scuttled out of the saloon, El Guitaro would explode into a rapturous crescendoed encore, before watching the zombified crowd waddle home in trance-like states, beaming from ear-to-ear.

The reoccurring mystery of precious belongings repeatedly going missing perplexed the people of Sinaloa for a decade and a day. In their hypnotised eyes, they were frustratingly unable to uncover the truth behind the multiple materialistic disappearances, but it definitely didn’t have had anything to do with fleeting visits from their masterful musical maestro, ‘El Guitaro’…even though the instances of thievery immediately stopped once he sadly burnt to death*.

* ‘El Guitaro’ met his maker in 1892, following an unfortunate frenzied Guitarrón Mexicano solo, right next to an unfeasibly large desert campfire, surrounded by his beloved entranced Pistoleros. Regrettably, his zombie followers remained completely unfazed, as he frenziedly tried to extinguish his frazzled clothes of frenzied flames. They all stared for an encore, but their master was already downstairs, due to the devious symphonic demands of Beelzebub.