Walk Like An Egyptian

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Ambulate Sicut Aegyptus’]

Made famous by the American pop rock band ‘The Bangles’ in 1986, this classic dad-dancing wedding reception track opens the door for dramatically ridiculous limb-movements, in the name of creative art.

Just awkwardly shuffle back and forth across the dancefloor, like a two-dimensional hieroglyphic with mesmerisingly weird ‘Z’ shaped limb movements. The more perpendicular the adjoining joints are, the better!

Origins

Ancient Egyptian Pharoah Khukhu’s evil brother, Prince Toukertouk, was bored, bored, booooooooored.

Every day, he just seemed to slump into his jewelled jacuzzi, on the shaded regal roof terrace, and stare at the construction of his ruling brother’s epic creation, ‘The Great Pyramid of Geeza’.

Khukhu gets the glory, glum Toukertouk gets the story.

But he was still bored, so Toukertouk cracked open a large jar of Nile barley beer, and proceeded to swig the swally at a phenomenal pace.

One thing led to another, and another, until he found himself swaying at the top of the newly finished pyramid, staring at a deep scarlet sunset. Toukertouk felt so invincible, that he raised both arms aloft, and proceeded to topple backwards. The impact was far from ideal, but it was notably more ideal then the subsequent tumbling and rolling down hundreds of sharp-edged granite blocks, until he slapped onto the ground, like a limp kipper.

When he awoke, four hours later, Toukertouk looked down to discover that he had successfully broken most of his limb bones…which was far from ideal.

Through gritted teeth (and numbed beer-related pain-relief), Toukertouk managed to hobble back to his opulent royal resting quarters and collapse onto his woven camel-skinned bed.

When he awoke, three weeks later, Toukertouk looked down to discover that all four of his broken limbs had fused into ridiculous ‘Z’ shape bone formations… which was far from ideal.

Walking had to be re-designed, arms had to be re-trained, but Toukertouk eventually managed to shuffle out of his marbled floor, and out into the marketplace, filled with humanity.

He yearned for contact with humanity, but humanity couldn’t do anything else, apart from staring at evil Toukertouk, as he awkwardly shuffled towards them with mesmerizingly weird ‘z’ shaped limb movements…which was far from ideal.

Prince Toukertouk’s walk became ancient Egyptian folklore and scribed in multiple hieroglyphics. The rest…is history.