The Confused Swan

Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Confusa Swan’]

There’s a lot going on in this manoeuvre, involving many emotions, like a complex feathered opera. A key tactic is to confuse your competition, so there’s nothing better than to lie down on the dance floor, like a large flustered aquatic bird.

Lie down on your back and bend your preferred leg, so that your knee is raised high and foot firmly on the floor. Rest your other foot onto the raised knee, and flap that leg like a hefty waterfowl wing. Meanwhile, flap your opposite arm like the secondary wing, and whirl your other arm around in the air, like a swivelling swan neck & head.

The most important final point is to contort your face into your most bewildered expression, ever.

Origins

In 1666, the number one, head-honcho, big-cheese, pompous alpha-male daddy swan that ‘ruled the roost’ around St James’s Park, London was ‘Swinton’ Swan (a name affectionately given to him by the local Westminster drunkards).

On most days, after gorging on crisp pond weed, a swollen Swinton Swan would slowly swim around several sluices, like an overinflated armband spinning whimsically around the turmoiled turbulence.

Afternoons would include waddling onto Duck Island, lying on his back and staring at the sky, surrounded by his loving lady swan (Gertrude) and flock of excitable cygnets.

Swinton loved watching the sky, on his back, with his great feathered airfoils resting behind his head.

But one lunchtime, he was confused. The sky was blood red?!...and it was far too early for Sunset?!

‘How confusing?’ thought Swinton.

Mild confusion turned into breezy befuddlement, when grey fluffy fingers appeared to streak through the scarlet heavens?!

Breezy befuddlement turned into perturbed puzzlement, when all birds (apart from his family) seemed to be flying West, at speed?!

Perturbed puzzlement turned into treacherous terror, when advancing screams of panicking humans filled the air!?!

‘Tis time to go…somewhere else’ thought Swinton. ‘How confusing?!’

The surreal, perplexing incident that Swinton witnessed became known as ‘The Great Fire of London’, a tragic event that confused a lot of wildlife, including humans.

‘The Confused Swan’ was the award-winning move at the World Dad Dancing Championship 2015, as shown on BBC World News.