Instructions Verb [Latin: ‘Face of Triumph’]
The
‘Torch of Triumph' was a key move demonstrated on BBC Spotlight Live.
Start off crouching on the dancefloor, like Gollum squatting on a rock
& chomping on a raw fish. Then, slowly rise up from the squat position,
with one arm straight up in the air, as if you’re holding a flaming Olympic
torch aloft, like the Statue of Liberty.
Once you’re standing tall and holding your theoretical torch as high as
you can muster, bellow out your loudest Lion roar, with the zest of victory!
Repeat accordingly.
Origins
“By the halls of Vahalla,
tiz has been a great year for mindless, bloody slaughter!” proclaimed Konáll The Unbearable. The
year in question was 869 A.D. and the man in question was the insane Viking
leader of the ferocious Skaldaklak clan of berserkers.
‘Crush, Destroy & Bellow’ Campaign of
Carnage
Konáll’s thirst for battle and craving for
extreme gore was considered by competent historians as being ‘completely out of
control’, and his 70 years of monumentally destructive North Atlantic invasions
(predominantly Scotland) was carved into the ‘Sacred Book of Krall’*.
Konáll’s ‘Wonder Years’
Focusing on a small era of
particular carnage, significant savage bloodshed commenced from 865 A.D. However,
during the summer of 869, Konáll began to favour his trusty, rusty, skull-encrusted (four
metre) battlexe, named ‘Jemima’.
Jemima
Accordingly to the ‘Sacred
Book of Krall’*, he ‘treated Jemina to a lavish Walnut handle
(with Peachtree trim), which greatly improved his swinging, slicing &
hacking action…He also started wresting goats [Scandinavia’s national sport],
to strengthen his dwarf-like arms.’
With Jemima in hand, and brimming
with new-found overconfidence, Konáll The Unbearable spent that ‘Summer of 69’ stomping around
ramsacked Scottish villages, and recklessly showing off his ultimate fighting
manoeuvre, ‘The Spinning Valkyrie’ (the forefather of ‘Olympic Hammer
Throwing’). By pivoting on his stubby, sandal-less left foot, Konáll would continually
spin around, slicing through opponents like a barbaric blender, until the battlefields
fell deadly silent (literally).
European historians
comment that during this dark period, ‘the
slaughterism inflicted by Konáll was truly eyewatering
and his decapitation rate is still one of the highest on record.” Also, due
to an unfortunate map-reading misunderstanding, Konáll & his Skaldaklak Clan managed
to pillage & burn down his own Viking home village (Oslo). Twice.
Torch of Triumph
After a good ole conquering
& pillaging campaign, Konáll and his berserkers would always celebrate with their now
infamous act of celebration, the ‘Torch of Triumph’. Once all the surviving Scottish
male, female & child inhabitants had fled from the barbaric berserk, the
victorious Viking victors would crouch down on the ground, each holding a
flaming torch.
They would then slowly rise up from a squat position,
with one arm straight up in the air, and set light to all the empty straw
dwellings, whilst roaring & bellowing “Fackla Triumf” aloud (‘Torch of
Triumph’ in Swedish). This act of honour was to gratify the great Odin,
Valkyries and Norse gods, as they feasted in the majestic ‘Hall of the Slain’
(Valhalla) in Asgard.
Declining Kilt Sales
Not everyone was a fan of
Konáll The
Unbearable’s killing sprees or celebratory ‘Torch of Triumph’, especially the
Scots. In 876 A.D., Mack McMickneemack ranted that Konáll’s Scottish campaign of terror had
left his kilt business in absolute tatters. According to Mack, his “highland mud shop is stacked sky-high with
1.2 million adult male kilts, which I will never ever sell, as there‘s
now only four adult males left in Scotland, including me…and I shalln’t be
buying a kilt, as they’re well itchy likesay.”
* Blimey, asterisks truly
are effective enticing allurers!